If You Can’t Say Something Nice: A Rationale for Holding Your Tongue
Image by Masakazu Kobayashi .
For those of you who’ve been reading my missives for a while, you’ve heard me address the state of divisiveness the bulk of the population is in right now. There seems to be a million sides to choose, a million suspicions, a million fingers pointed.
And I know it’s really tempting to weigh in sometimes.
Sometimes there’s a temptation to “get into it” on social media, or with family that don’t see it your way. You have a point to prove, and you have the data to back it up.
Sometimes we really just want to help. When it seems so obvious to us what the “truth” is, and we want people to see things the way we see it so they’ll rest easier, and put their energy in a better place.
For the intuitives among us, maybe we’ve received a message or insight about the meaning of something, and we want to shout it from the rooftops.
I get it, I’ve been there.
But I’m going to extend an invitation, here. Put yourself in a situation where you feel this urgency to share what you know, what you think or believe. How does it feel? Where does it land in your body?
Does this urgency feel good? Does it feel like who you really are?
And are you grounded when it comes up? Are you breathing deeply, confident, in your body, relaxed? Are you connected to your Knowing self?
And this isn’t meant to be a leading question. It’s not really any of my business. I just find that if I can answer “no” to any of these questions then it’s probably a good time to keep my mouth shut.
If I’m answering in the negative to any of these questions, then I’m probably actually reacting to another hurt I’ve experienced in the past, and am afraid I’m going to be hurt again in a similar way.
I’ve recently been reminded of the question, “which you are you being?” We have a LOT of selves. We evolving humans have so many ways we identify, and most of these don’t come from a sense of our own divinity, our own limitlessness. They’re not in the frequency of equanimity and love.
We can identify with our place in our families, with our job or profession, with our relationship status, our neighborhood, our political affiliation, our creative outlets, where we shop, what we eat, whether we like cats or dogs, and so on and on and on.
These identities aren’t Who We Really Are at our core, but it’s the way we tend to navigate the world. When these identities are judged, we can get bent out of shape.
And that’s cool, right? We don’t have to be enlightened beings, floating an inch off the ground, smelling like lilacs. Not all the time, anyway.
And we all have “stuff,” right? If you’re here, reading this, it’s fairly likely that you’ve been working on healing some of it, too. Or you’re at least kind of aware of what’s crammed in your psyche’s closet.
But what we’re witnessing in the world is the chaos of everyone’s “stuff” being up right now. It’s trauma played out on the world stage, and because of social media and the internet, everyone has the capacity to stick their nose into everyone’s business, and react, react, react.
What this means is that the reactive, divisive state of our communities is a state of everyone living in a past that isn’t happening anymore. I’m not getting yelled at for not picking up my toys, or shamed for crying when I get in trouble. This is just my nervous system doing what it does, trying to keep me safe.
But the event where I got hurt the first time isn’t happening anymore.
(Which isn’t to say that there aren’t ugly and terrible things happening out there, for sure. That’s not what I’m talking about here, is all…)
What I am saying is that the You that’s your actualized, divine, connected self is far more likely to recognize that maybe your button got pushed, you had a trauma activated, and you went into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. From here you might be better able to take a breath, have some compassion for yourself, get a little space.
From here you might even be able to see the wound in the other who stimulated the hurt in you. You might even be able to feel a glimmer of that same compassion for that other.
Or not. It’s not always available. I get it. I have it too.
At the very least, though, by asking “which me am I being?” you start to recognize when you’re coming from a place of reaction. You may not have a way to move through it, but once you can see it, you’re more able to choose your response.
None of this is to say that we shouldn’t stand up when standing up is called for. On the contrary, when we stand up when it feels right to do so, not just righteous — right in the mind, right in the body, right in the soul — when we manage to respond without that sense of need, then our outcry is far more likely to land in the way we intend it to.
Because then you’re holding a frequency of Truth. Not just facts. Facts can get you into trouble. Facts can be used as duelling weapons. Truth has a higher frequency. Truth just is. If you can stay in that place, in that resonance, you open the possibility of change. Of healing. Of true communication.
Not everyone has this capacity. I don’t have it every minute of every day. A lot of people have none of the resources required to come at a discussion from a harmonious place. Not their fault. There’s too much pain in there. Too much unresolved trauma.
So when we’re the ones who do have the capacity to hold our center and take the next step, to actually witness another in their pain and in their inherent divinity, whether or not they see things the way we would prefer them to be seen, we are creating a container where healing is possible.
Or if not, at least you’ll be hanging out at a frequency that’s invisible to the attack.
At the end of the day, we all want to be heard, to be seen, to be recognized. We want our hurts to be soothed, we want our brilliance to be acknowledged. We want to feel safe, loved, and appreciated.
It’s hard to squeeze that out of other people who are also desperate for affirmation.
So sometimes I’m going to have to be the one to keep my mouth shut and bear witness, to just hold my center, and look for the Love I need at its Source, not from those who are parched for it, too.
Not always easy, but well worth the effort, I find. And as with most things, what you practice gets easier over time.
If we can manage to accept that people are where they are, like it or not, and let go of the need to change them or make them “see the light,” we’re going to have a lot more energy to put into the work we’re really here to do.
That’s what it means to be the change we wish to see in the world. To find our light and hold it steady so we can all have a shot at finding our way home.
